How do I answer that...

So there I am in the car with my 7 year old son and somehow we get on the discussion of parents and so forth. When I explain that my step-daughter has another mommy. I knew in the back of my head that was going start the inevitable... why this and why that and so on. So I took a deep breath and braced myself for the 1st grade inquisition.

It is amazing how persistent they are, "because" just doesn't cut it with them. They want all the details, not that they will remember them five minutes from now, but they demand them anyway.

Telling him I wasn't her "real" mommy wasn't the problem. The hard part is explaining why her biological mother doesn't see her anymore. Why his "new" sister just showed up one day to visit, then a little over a year later moved in. Why her mother decided one day she just didn't want to participate. I had a hard enough time trying to rationalize this with my teenage step daughter, there was no way I could explain it to him.

Well I didn't have to, in his innocent and understanding fashion he simply said.. because she is upset with Marisa? Wow, how does a 7 year old grasp the concept that a mother is upset when her daughter finally realizes that she is a ruthless, lying, manipulating sociopath and decides to jump ship and live with the father she has only known for 2 years.

What was I supposed to say to him. Her mother could not give up the fight. She spent 10 years hiding her daughter from her father and his family, then when he finally tracks her crazy ass down, she pretends she wasn't hiding from "him", he simply didn't know where she was... HMMM... Then we get visitation and his daughter now sees the REAL truth behind her mothers insanity and decided she did not want to participate in that madness anymore.

That was something I simply could not tell my son. So I basically said... This is the way GOD wants it to be.. oh and the usual.... we talk about it when your older. There was an entire history that they needed to understand. But now was not the time for that. For now, and probably the next 10 years they will have to suffice with.... because, that's why.

The question remains

So the question remains.... Am I broken? Can I really be an effective, responsible and lovable step-parent?

This is a really tough job. I don't think people realize the enormity of the requirements. This is not a cabbage patch kid that needs a little attention. This is a difficult and emotionally deafening job.

This job is different that your average parent. It is similar I believe in some aspects to adoption.. For me it was really different. Remember my step-daughter was MIA. So I don't have the "authority" of her father to fall on. It was basically like throwing a dime into a ball pit and saying.. "OK find it and figure it out". It really is that hard.

My other two children.. the "mine" of the children factor seemed easier to somehow relate to. It was like there is some de facto similarity gene or something. That gene was definitely not present with my step-daughter. If anything there was a de facto "get the hell of way from me lady" gene in her. At least that is how I felt.

Was I really going to be able to get over this awkward existence and find common ground with a child no one in our family knows? Can I get past my selfish nature to nurture her? More importantly was I going to be able to deal with her mother?

I was afraid that the feelings that were beginning to surface in me could be the ultimate betrayal of my emotional stability. I may never recover from this change. Was I broken forever?

So where did I learn my step-mom skills?

So where exactly did I learn my amazing parental skills you ask? Well as I sit quitely, only because the children are sleeping, I wonder to myself "How did you end up with these amazing skills, to ignore and resent children"? Oh that's right I once too was a step-child.  

My father had an amazing skill at finding the one person on the planet that had no skill to care for another human being, let alone a small child.  She couldn't relate to us in any fashion at all. I remember thinking to myself, if there was an emergency who is going to take care of us?  Don't get me wrong she was a nice enough person, she just had the personality of a dry piece of toast. When I think back to the many conversations we had together I think we only exchanged a total of 11 words.  

I know that I was not the easiest person to deal with, but it just seemed like she made no effort at all to break through the walls that I had built to protect me from the reality of my new, seperated existance.  

Was this how it all began?  Did this tragic relationship shaped my future ability as a step-parent, as a regular parent?  This was something I need to ponder longer.  I need to undestand what skills, or rather lack there of, that I have learned and how they have molded me. 

What harm could come?

Here I am thinking back again... to when it all started.

So there I sat. New wife in her new life dreaming my new found life. I had it all planned out. Of course I had to go back to the drawing board after the whole, "Hi my name is and by the way I have a kid", thing. But hey I was resilient I could easily bounce back from this right?

Seriously what harm could possibly come from this? She wasn't in the picture and hasn't been for some time. Her mother keeps her distance, actually they haven't seen each other face to face in years. So really how hard could it be. The only thing I had to make a bit of an adjustment to was money. I might have to rethink the picket fence and possibly go with chain link? But that should be it, I had not gotten into the details with my new love about the exact amount, but I was sure it wasn't too bad. I thought to myself how much could child support really be for one little person. She was just a child, no college costs or anything yet.

HOLY CRAP! that much?

Ok I have just downgraded from a chain link fence to a house with bars on the windows and one room. I am not liking this feeling that is starting to take control.. So begs another question..

What do I do now?

What was I thinking?

I can tell you that I never had any intention when I was dreaming up my perfect life of becoming a step-mother. This was definitely not part of my master plan. Of course we all know that the master plan is a fail proof set of ideals that we as children dream up and they Always come true right?

Thinking back that has to be one of the funniest things I think I have ever thought of in my entire life. Seriously who really gets their dream life, with dream husband, house etc. For those who do you can stop right here, cause I don't want to share with you... (just kidding).

Well when I met my Mr. Right (or Mr. Will work cause no one else will marry me). I had no idea what I was getting in to. Sure he told me about his child from the get, but when he told me about her she didn't even factor in. No really her mother wanted to him to be a non-existent part of her life, so I figured... easy... Mistake number one.

Well I agreed to marry the man that was silly enough to ask me and we began our life.. Of course he was paying child support , which I had not considered, and our money was tight from the beginning. So here I was a new wife.. broke... and well realizing that somewhere down the road I may actually have to come face to face with the realization that I may have to communicate real words with this other person, his child.

I just could not fathom that idea.. I mean for goodness sake my husband has not seen her since she was a year old, not that he didn't try. So that begs the question

Really what was I thinking?